As I've probably mentioned in an earlier post, we have been attending a new church. I love it - it's just enough to get me going spiritually but not overwhelming. We've only been attending for about five weeks and we normally attend the 11am service. It's great: I can get up early, get some things done, prepare a nice breakfast or sweet rolls for the fam, and then get ready for church. We attend the service, we feel good, we stop at the grocery store, come home and I make lunch for us all. I get the smoothie baggies ready, do a little lesson planning, blah blah blah blah BLAH! Why am I rambling about this ridiculous mundane schedule? Because D threw a monkey wrench in the routine- he came down and said 'since we're all up, let's go to the early service (9:15am) and I was too shocked to say otherwise...I am usually the one prompting everybody to get up for church, so the fact that he was initiating it, I was gobsmacked and slightly pleased (I am watching BBC programs today, sorry!).
Although I appreciated his motivation to get the day started, I was not on board with that plan, at all. If I was an effective communicator I would have spoken up, sharing everything that was rolling around in my freaking Sunday morning head with him. This is what was in my little head: I woke up and went downstairs to go over new recipes and create a grocery list. Then I was going to cut his hair and make all of us skillet scrambles for breakfast. We'd go to church, drop C off at the Wedding/Prom Expo afterwards (no, she is not getting hitched, she had prom committee duty), go to the store, come home to have lunch and prep meals for the week. See, all planned out so perfectly. So why would D suggest the early service? Because of all that information had been planned, in my head, last night, but I did not share it with anybody. Why would I, we'd been doing the same thing for the past five weeks, right?
So you're thinking, so what, go with the flow girl, right? I tried, I really did. I was able to make a grocery list but once we got to church I could not concentrate - I saw people that I knew at the service and that threw me off; it was the first time having communion at this church, a TOTALLY different experience than at a Catholic church; the sermon was about alcohol and how a little consumption was okay, just don't get drunk and that had me feeling guilty for the glass of wine I had on Friday; the only positive AT church, for me, was signing up for the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace workshop (something we've wanted to do for a while but didn't feel comfortable committing to)- but even then I didn't bring my purse in with me, the girls' had to go out to get it and I felt foolish standing there waiting for them...jeesh, I was just one big ol' ball of stress and anxiety, but honestly, I had nobody to blame but myself because I was the stressor and the stressee (look at me making up my own language), all in one big bungled up mess of nerves.
When I reflect upon my actions and try to figure it all out, I think that it boils down to being an overachiever or at least that is my best guesstitmate (yep, more new words). Why do I, or even we, put so much pressure on ourselves to meet silly expectations, expectations that really mean very little in the grand scheme of things? Everything got done and although there were a few more speed bumps in the day, caused by my anxiety, all that needed to be accomplished got accomplished and everybody was happy. D & I discussed my "funk" and eventually laughed about it - but not until I was near tears first.
My solution? I think it is time for me to check out that meditation app I just put on my phone...cuz some thing has got to give peeps. Nobody deserves a wound up mama/wife over such foolishness. And maybe I should start communicating verbally and not telepathically because it appears as though I'm the only one in this household with that super cool power...for now;-)